 _____________________About you...
Can we have a quick background, came to France? Did your pregnancy and the birth happen here in France?
My husband, Ashley and I moved to France in June 2002, six weeks after we got married. I had always been a dream of mine since living in Versailles for three months whilst working as a European Events Manager.
We were both 39 years old, and at that point we had no idea that I would be able to have children or the ‘surprise’ in store with ending up as parents of twins.
Getting preggars?
I have suffered from Endometriosis since a teenager, having a number of operations for ovarian cysts. I knew that I could not go the usual route, and had talked about IVF whilst living in the UK, with a previous partner.
I was fortunate to meet a young married girl who had had successful IVF pretty soon after moving here, and decided to go to see her consultant at St George’s Clinic in Nice.
He made us take various tests, including HIV and Hepatitis, which had never even been discussed back in the UK. When the results came back, we were thrilled to hear that Ashley’s sperm was ok, and thought that we would be ok to move forward.
We made another appointment at the clinic. The bad news that followed was a complete shock. The consultant told us that he did not understand why I was put forward in the UK, as there was only a 1% that IVF would work, as my eggs were not good enough. I was heartbroken!
Standard or alternative route?
As I sat there reeling, he started to tell us that there was one possibility, egg donation. This is something not offered in France, as they do not freeze eggs, but we were given the address of a Clinic that had offices in both Barcelona and Belgium.
We had nothing to lose, and so decided to make it into a holiday as well, and drove down the auto route to Spain.
The clinic was professional, and covered everything. It seemed to be relatively straightforward. We had to take all our tests with us, and after a full consultation, which included “What type of child would you like? Northern European, Southern European, colour of eyes, hair etc. we paid our money, and drove home to wait for a suitable donor.
We did not have to wait long, and got the ok in August. There followed a great deal of drug taking to prepare my body to be a ‘grow bag’! The cycle of the lady in Barcelona and I were brought in line and she ‘bless her’ did IVF and produced 10 eggs for me.
Ashley drove back to do his bit, and I followed on, with my mother Joanna in tow, two days later, when they had put the sperm and eggs together.
I was given valium to take to relax me, and then found myself on my back, naked from the waist down, with various people standing around looking at what I had for lunch!
They wanted to put 3 eggs in, but thank goodness sense prevailed and I refused, telling them that 2 were more than enough – imagine! After that it is a bit hazy, except for the bit where I asked them if it included an orgasm, as I had paid money, and I was not going to get any sex – I think at that point the drug had really kicked in. They all thought this hilarious.
I left an hour later on, and after a good night’s sleep drove back carefully, avoiding any bumps in the road.
Now all I had to do was wait, and continue to take drugs to keep the pregnancy going. These I had to take for 100 days in total.
When did you first suspect there was be a blue line? Did you have an idea there would be more than one heartbeat? How did the initial Doctor visits go? What were your initial thoughts…etc…
Five weeks later I went to the local laboratory to get a pregnancy test done. I was nervous, so Joanna and I went shopping. I was in Carrefour car park when the news came through – I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and could hardly concentrate driving home up the mountains to tell Ashley.
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Favourite anecdote from Pregnancy?
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Top Tip to other Mums 2 B at this stage
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Worst old wives tale you heard (false)
Ashley immediately telephoned his entire family to tell them of our news. My mother-in-law turned around to me and said that she would be praying for me, as at my age of 40 there was a good chance of downs syndrome. You can imagine how that comment went down!
Five weeks later I presented myself for my first scan at my local obstetricians in Nice. We were chatting, as he started to take a look. There they were two little spots, I saw them immediately, but Ashley was oblivious.
“Félicitations, vous avez jumeaux!” he cried. “What is he saying ? “ asked Ashley, “ We are having twins”, “Oh my God, I need a beer” and he sat down, hard.
So now you know you’re preggars – with 2!
How are you feeling, is it daunting, what are other people’s reactions including hubby!
On the drive home, Ashley was shaking. “I don’t know why you are like this” I told him, “I am the one who has to grow two babies – at the same time”. It had not at that point really sunk in.
We got home, and he rang the family. My Dad said it was terrible, as we would no know what hit us, and our lives would never be the same. My mother-in-law said nothing – for a change!
Once over the shock what next? Are there any elements during pregnancy that are different to single births?
Being pregnant with twins is the only pregnancy I have experienced, so I can’t compare. I was very sick for the first 3 months. I was also still taking tablets to stop my body rejecting the embryos.
At 5 weeks I started to bleed, I was really scared. I drove to the Obstetrician’s surgery and he immediately scanned for the twins. I stopped shaking when we heard two heartbeats. He told me to take it easy and to go to bed for 3 days to rest.
I was lucky, as I did not work, so I managed to sit down most days for long periods, and put my legs p on a stool. I was also worried about the extra weight making unsightly veins appear all over my legs.
I started to read everything on the internet I could find. Not having friends nearby, and not being told of an anti-natal class around where I lived I felt very alone.
I was told not to drive very far, so cut my travelling down the Vesubie Valley to Nice, to Carrefour to twice a month. I also had to go to the Obstetrician every month for a scan.
I have two friends, who have twins back in the UK, and I talked to them but they had help from families, and each also join a few twins clubs locally. I had not found anything like that near to me. I now know that there is an 06 jumeaux club somewhere in Nice.
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What books did you get .. which ones were good which not
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Favourite anecdote from another Mum to twins?
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Top Tip for useful book and website for twins
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Did you join any Ante Natal classes ? Were these helpful , did they have any special info that covered any concerns you had?
I had regular visits from a Sage Femme, the midwife who looks after pregnant mothers in the mountains. She covered a wide area and used to pop in for about ½ hour, and took my blood pressure, and listened to the babies heartbeats on her portable machine. I asked her questions, but the language was hard at times.
Time to Pop - Choosing a Birth Location & Birthing Process
Was there a lot of choice or is this limited due to twins ?
I initially asked to go to Clinic St George, but was told that if there was a problem, the twins would be transferred to Lenval and I would be left at the clinic. It was therefore decided that I would give birth at Lenval, so everything could be kept together.
What did you have and how heavy were your babies when born – where they born at full term
As I mentioned, I was told not to go on long journey’s, but one Wednesday just before Easter I decided to get my hair done. I did not know how long I had left and wanted to look my best, and not have to worry about it for a while after the births.
I only went up the road to the next village, but that 23h30 that same night, at 33 weeks, my waters broke. I first of all thought that I had wet myself, I had felt nothing, but there was a clear puddle on the floor.
It happened again a short while later, and I phoned my step-mother in the UK to ask what she felt. She told me to call out the doctor and fast. The doctor came straight away and called out the ambulance.
At 01h15 I was heading fast down the valley to Lenval. I had my suitcase with everything prepared with me, and was surprisingly calm. I left my husband at home with the animals, and to wait for further instructions.
At Lenval they put me on a drip to stop the babies coming too soon, and I was put in a room to rest. Over the next few days I was given drugs to build up their lungs, and their heart beats were monitored 4 times a day.
On the Sunday I started to feel very unwell. I had a constant headache, plus I seemed to be getting bloated. They sent a doctor in to check my heart, as it started to race a fair bit. That night the nurse said that she thought they would give me a c-section the following day, and to be prepared.
The following morning, I was so bloated I could hardly get out of bed, let alone sit on a toilet. I felt terrible. They took my blood to test it, and told me that they were taking my straight away to have an emergency c-section. I had pre-eclempsia, and was now seriously ill. I could die if they waited any longer, so we could not wait for Ashley to drive down from the house.
Were you working before hand and if so up to how many weeks?
After the birth did they come home straight away or kept in for a while?
On Easter Monday at 11h30 Edward Daniel was born, followed by Lydia Tallulah-Joy two minutes later. Both were taken straight to intensive care, as they were premature, being only 34 weeks.
I was put in an anti-room and fell asleep, knowing all was now ok. I felt much better now they were out, my headache and all my other symptoms had gone. That part was easy!
I could write a lot about our time in Lenval, as we were there a total of 3 weeks after the birth. The twins were in intensive care for just one day, and then moved to neo-natal for the rest of our stay there. I moved up there for the last week, as I lived too far away to visit every day.
What I will say is that the hospital could not have been kinder, and more professional. They looked after Edward, Lydia and myself brilliantly, and I was upset to leave, also bloody scared!
What were your initial thoughts as mum to 2 ?
I did not see the twins for a few days, as they were busy with them on the Monday, the Tuesday I started to get contractions (yes, you still get them even with a c-section), they were awful, and so they put me on drugs to help.
Finally on the Wednesday, I asked to see the twins. I felt worried that I had not bonded with them. I did not feel like I had given birth, all that told me were the cards and flowers that had started to arrive in my room.
I was upset as I felt rough, my hair was greasy, and I was not looking my best. A kind nurse sent in a girl, who washed and dried my hair for me, and then I was taken to meet my babies for the first time.
It was a strange feeling, looking at two babies in incubators. It was surreal, I did not seem to take in they were mine. They were skinny and strange looking, with monitors stuck to their tiny bodies.
I was nervous and worried about holding them. But during those three weeks, I was taught to wash, bath, take their temperature, and also to breastfeed them both.
So you get home then what ?
Given that you have double trouble on your hands how were those early weeks? Did the hospital/clinic offer any after care?
The nurses did not want me to go home without extra support. To be honest my husband almost ran away. He could not seem to face up to the fact that we had babies. He stayed up in the mountains a fair bit, and travelled with work. I took this very badly, as did the hospital, who marked our file as ‘absent father’!
I hired a nurse for the first month. She came to live with us, and helped take some of the pressure off me. I could not continue to breastfeed as they were too premmie and could not suckle, so at least I had help with the bottle feeding, every 3 hours.
I still did the night shift, and as Ashley is not a cook, we lived on salad and rotisserie chicken most of the time. Each baby took 1 hour to feed, then I had an hour to myself to catch up on sleep. It was the hardest time of my life, and I yearned for a mother to help me. It was the first time for a long time I cried for my adopted mum, who had died when I was 13 years old.
Then out of the blue, my birth mother, who I found when I was 28, got in touch to see how things were going. We had become good friends, and she offered to come and help me out for 2 weeks every month – she was my life saver.
Are there any groups you were in touch with for support etc? Did you use them if not whay not and do you wish you had ?
I knew of various mother and baby clubs, but they were all in or near to Nice. I was not able to do the 110kms round trip just for a coffee and a chat, so unless Joanna was with me I was alone. Ashley was still travelling a fair bit.
After one horrendous time, 3 days being alone, and snowed in at the house with these two still tiny babies, I made the decision that we had to move.
We put the house up for sale. It took a while as it was a large property in the middle of nowhere. But when the twins were 18 months we moved to Vence, where we live today. My life has opened up and I now have other mothers to talk with.
Can you give insight into what it’s like and enlighten us on what else is difficult with twins that single baby mums don’t have to cope with?
There are so many more ups than downs. Edward and Lydia are inseparable, but of course this means that they want the same thing at the same time, so lots of fights. They also love one another and get upset if the other one is upset.
They are now 34 months old, and have started at a small bi-lingual school, as I had run out of ideas to amuse them, and wanted them to start to speak French and make friends.
They sleep better together, so we have now given up with their little beds, and they sleep in one big bed. We sneak in to check on them, and often find them cuddled up together. I am sure that at some point they will want their own space, but for now everyone is happy.
Sleep depravation has been the main low point. I have not had one single night to total sleep since they were born. At nearly 44 I am not sure how long my body will put up with this.
People tell me what to do, but having children of the same age is completely different than having two of different ages. This is the same in everything.
I can’t go out with them to large parks, or the beach without help. If one runs into the sea, and the other towards a group of people, or the road, which one should I help? How can I hold onto them both? I tried reins, but the policeman who caught me out with them in Nice, found it hilarious seeing me with one pulling one way and the other another way. They then got fed up and sat down on the pavement. I gave up and went home.
Cost of having 2 at the same time – how difficult has it been to manage 2 of nearly everything ?
At first we went through 14 nappies, and 14 bottles of milk a day! We get help from the French government, as in Child support benefit, but it has been very expensive.
I tend to buy most things in the sales or 2nd hand. This cuts down the cost considerably, as they grow so quickly.
The costs aren’t spread out over time like when you have hand me downs with successive births so how was this for you
I had a few hand-me-downs. But I am an only child from parents who were only children. I do not have a large family, and the Ashley’s brothers who have kids, gave their clothes away years ago. We are about 14 years behind the last grandchild.
How many nappies do you reckon you’ve got through!?
God knows, a large lorry load by now
Now you’re an expert
What are your top ten tips for managing Twinfants on a daily basis? Mealtimes, potty training, out and about etc…
Relax! Our mealtimes are hard work. Edward wants this, Lydia wants that. I find it best to feed them at their own little table. They argue about which DVD to watch, which toy to play with, but they are just starting to play a little nicer together.
We are about to start potty training. Being twins they spoke later than singletons. They talked between them, but it was rubbish to us. They sit on their potties at home. Once the weather gets into spring we will get on with it, but I see no point in rushing and getting stressed.
Routine is paramount. Having people to stay has not helped that. Also we have refused to go back to the UK with them, as that would be too difficult. Our parents are in their late 70’s, and have no patience. They would have to fix stair gates, and make their houses child proof. Also Edward gets winter asthma, so we were advised not to travel on planes for the time being.
I suppose in reality I don’t manage. I go day to day, and try my best. I am tired most of the time, but I would not change anything for the world.
Looking forward?
So 2 15 year old teenagers – uggh ..anything else that comes to mind as different/challenging/difficult/wonderful/costly as you go forward…
Each year gets easier. I would not like to go back to them being babies, as I was so scared and nervous of them.
I am looking forward to them growing up and becoming young adults. I think I may have problems with Lydia, as she is headstrong and crafty. Edward is timid and clingy, so we shall see if he comes out of his shell.
They have one another, so I am not worried. I would just like to stay around long enough to see them grow up into fine young people, with families of their own.
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